Disease.

This piece of writing is completely fictional, I am in fact healthy as a button.

Disease. I’m seventeen years old and I already have a life threatening illness. It isn’t cancer, nor is it brain damage. You can see the effects of my illness more clearly. It controls me, there is no hope. People try to help, but they don’t understand. This illness is all I have, it’s my only friend. Without it I can’t survive. With it I’ll die. But you still don’t understand, why would you? It’s not like you can’t say no. You have self control, something I’d give up my life for, but then I suppose giving up my life for control – or the lack of it – is exactly what I’m doing now.

You see when I was diagnosed, a simple dose of medication couldn’t help me. I needed more than that. Something stronger. Love, will power, support – three things I didn’t have, but wanted. It’s a bit ironic that the things that can help me are actually the three things that caused this illness. You see I don’t have any love, support or will power.

I was fifteen. This time in my life should have be carefree and fun, full of laughter and friends – but it wasn’t. So I decided that all I needed was control, but finding it was turning out to be rather difficult. However someone offered me that control – handed it to me on a plate surrounded in comfort and happiness. Ana was so caring, all I had to do was exert some self control in what I ate – so simple and yet the results were great. People started to like me, wanted to be around me. I became more confident and loved Ana for it. She simply showed me how to continue. Everything was going well, love, support and will power were only inches away from my grasp.

Six months later however, I found myself further away from them than ever before. I had no love or support, who wanted me? No-one, no-one but Ana. She became my life, everything revolved around her. If she felt the control was slipping she’d make me work harder for it, and in the end she was always right. It was at this stage in my life that adults got involved. Kate – my mum – thought I was extremely thin.

“Where is the fat? A girl needs fat Han.” she’d constantly tell me. I wouldn’t reply, only think. Think about what she said. Was she stupid? I was covered in fat! And in my eyes fat meant I had a low will power, lack of control and I was friendless. A girl does not need fat! I’d silently shout at her. However she wouldn’t give it a rest, so I stayed out of her sight as much as possible. If I was at the library she couldn’t see me or complain. But she did. She did more than complain, she planned – planned a doctors appointment.

At the age of sixteen I was 5ft8″ and just above six and a half stone. My clothes hung limply from me like they do on the clothes hanger. It didn’t help that a size six still swamped me. I wore children clothes for a while but really I was too tall and resorted to drowning myself in adult clothes. I’d been diagnosed with Anorexia. But it was too late, my body was already staring to eat itself. I was dying and no-one could help. Ana was my only support, and in the past she didn’t support me so well. She gave me the illness.

But I’ve rebelled. I no longer ask Ana for help, I go to support groups with people also suffering from the effects of Ana’s ‘help’. They understand in a way you never will. I like them, these people don’t judge or laugh, they listen and care. I give them the same support in return. It’s nice to be able to help. I’m now eight stone, only one more stone off being a safe weight again. Clothes don’t look like I put a tent over my body. They actually fit me nicely and I actually have a slight bust. Maybe I wont die after all. But don’t get me wrong, Anorexia is still very much in my life. I have to write down exactly what I will eat that day or nothing is consumed. I think it will always be there, like a little worm tucked away in my head that sometimes comes out to play. I’ve cut this little problem in half now, but you know what they say about worms – they can live as one half, just not so easily. Eventually I will kill that little worm – banish it forever. Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger right?

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